Reading Lolita in Tehran

"I don't know why people who are better off always think that those less fortunate than themselves don't want to have the good things - that they don't want to listen to good music, eat good food or read Henry James." Razieh in Reading Lolita in Tehran

I read "Reading Lolita in Tehran" by Azar Nafisi this past week. This book is more than beautiful. This book is food. This book is bread. It will feed you.

Azar Nafisi is an Iranian woman, a teacher, and a scholar of Western literature. Her book begins with the class she taught out of her home after being expelled from the University of Tehran, the class to which the book title refers. A class of seven women who met every Thursday to read and discuss the relation between fiction and reality. Her reality is a world in which reading The Great Gatsby is controversial and Henry James stirs people to anger. A world in which people roam the streets punishing the suggestion of impropriety. A world in which keeping your soul together is a daily struggle against cruelty.

From here it expands into a kaleidoscope of memories of reading, of teaching, of revolution, of living in an Islamic republic, of living through war, of living under the veil, of oppression, of fear, of courage, of a magician.

She believes that the soul survives evil and is restored "through love and imagination."
Reading Henry James is not superfluous to life. Reading Henry James is at the core of what makes life worth living, reading Henry James is part of how we retain our empathy, our compassion, our humanity.

Her writing is visual and splashed with color in a way that I would like to emulate. My world is far too reductive and I am an unrepentant list-er.

I cannot do this book justice. I can only recommend that you pick it up. This book is food. It is bread. It will feed you.

Cerberus Staffs the Show

The Dead Like Dallas show had to get moved to a new location this past Thursday. Z agreed to have it in his basement and I worked the door. Which means I stood at the back door, stamped hands, and collected money from punks and people who like melodic hardcore. I passed them through the door and closed it behind them. They walked through a long narrow hallway down the stairs into a tiny basement filled with unholy noise, red lights, and a teeming, sweating, thrashing mass of people.

Later I couldn't shake the feeling that I was Cerberus that night.

"Cerberus - Cerberos - Kerberos
Three Headed Hound of Hades  

The three-headed, serpent-tailed dog Cerberus [...]
Cerberus was a fierce, pitiless, flesh-eating watchdog, stationed by the River Styx, from which post he would keep the living from entering the land of the dead. Even the gods feared Cerberus...."
from http://ancienthistory.about.com/library/bl/bl_cerberus.htm

Getting old

It drives me crazy to see 22 year-olds go on about how they are getting old. To my mind, if you don't sigh a lot, you don't grunt when you sit down, and you don't grunt when you get up
... You are not old.

I am wrong to cast the stone. I moan about getting old. I am trying to quit. If I am bitching about being old now and I live long enough to need walker and a hearing aid, I will have wasted a lot of my life force bitching about the inevitable.

I am at the point where
- I have visible grey hair
- the smile lines don't go away when I'm done with the happy face
- a stiff night of drinking causes immense pain for much of the next day
- the kid who bags my groceries calls me "Ma'am."
- recovering from an all-nighter takes two days of good sleep
- excessively greasy foods makes me queasy
- I am at least as passionate about buying bed linens as the latest "It" band's CD ... if not more
- I refrain from chatting up 20 year old boys with wallet chains
- I go places and the music is too loud

Time passes and we change. We grow. We age. We die. This is how it is.

There is a day to day generational contrast to my existence. I live in a college town. I walk down the street and am surrounded by beautiful youth, people who are at a minimum ten years younger than me. Sometimes I wonder what I have done with that time, what I have gained, and if I have learned anything worthwhile.

Still, I would not go back. I have clear memories of the mess I was. Times has freed me from things that used to plague me, freed me to become a different kind of mess.

Grad School:

1% inspiration
49% perspiration
50% desperation

The question of conflict

When I was in the 7th grade on a day when we were't diagramming sentences my english teacher said something about themes in fiction. She said that every story has a conflict to be resolved.

Man vs. Nature
Man vs. Society
Man vs. Man
Man vs. Machine
Man vs. Self

Conflict is at the heart of a story. It motivates the characters and drives the story from point A to point B.

Conflicts in my life are banal

Girl vs. Alarm clock
Girl vs. Cat
Girl vs. Clutter
Girl vs. Parking meter
Girl vs. Apathy
Girl vs. Writer's block
Girl vs. Microsoft product
Girl vs. Twinkie

I have reached an age where I meet people my age that are divorced.

I breathe a sigh of relief that I've never been divorced.
But this is not a virtue, I am not married.
It is something of which I know nothing.

"Let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together" - Paul Simon

What brings a person entwine her life with that of another?

I am in awe of such fearlessness.

webcomics and windex

I wake up in the afternoon and tell myself "Today I will not read any webcomics."
And then a few hours later I am wondering:
What's happening to Ariel at www.queenofwands.net ?
Has Aubrey beaten anyone else up at www.somethingpositive.net?
Is there a new journal comic entry at www.keaner.net/journal.html?

And there I am reading webcomics. Following links to other webcomics. *guilt*
Of course I have to take time and read the whole archive... *more guilt*

The first journal comic I encountered was the journal comic by Drew Weing www.drewweing.com/journalcomic. I was blown away. Wow. It was funny and touching and real. In his hands the ordinary moments of a life became unspeakably beautiful. It made me feel less alone in the world.

I have this idea - that everyone else's life is like a windex commercial - "Put on a Windex Shine" - that everyone else in the world goes to sleep at a decent hour, flosses regularly, gets plenty of fiber, and sends their Christmas cards out the day after Thanksgiving - that remembering to get the recyling bin to the curb on the right day and eating square meals are a prerequisite to a virtuous life. Sometimes I think it is the secret to happiness. If I did the daily stuff I'm supposed to, my life would be a windex commercial and I would be virtuous and happy.

I tried it once. I cleaned my room, I flossed, ate semi-balanced meals, mailed in my warranty forms, and read the fine print on official documents that came in the mail. It sucked. It was nothing like an windex commercial. It's what grown ups do though. Right? Whether it's fun of not.

The N word

This weekend I encountered the word nigger twice. I have not heard a person say that in conversation (except in the media) in years. It is an ugly hateful word. It is much on my mind right now. I cannot bring myself to type it again. So ironically I am writing about it while tap dancing around the word itself.

J insists that N is a word that was first used to refer to Irish immigrants in this country and that the term was used in reference to black people later. It seems unlikely. In the dictionary the primary definition refers to black people or dark skinned people. There is a dictionary entry where N is "Used as a disparaging term for a member of any socially, economically, or politically deprived group of people." Which at one time the Irish in the U.S. were. Still, I'm pretty sure that it's been decades since the last time an Irish American was called a N.

But for the most part N refers to black people.

Chuck D had a rant in which he insists that N is not a term of love. It is a word whose meaning and history is tied to slavery and hatred. A few hip-hop albums are not going to change that so quickly. He thinks it will never be a word of love.

His whole rant on this got me thinking about the scene in "Pulp Fiction" in which Ving Rhames character asks Bruce Willis' character "Are you my N-----?" It is a scene in which a white man is expected to tell his black boss that he is. It is not a term used by equals. In this scene the colors of the roles are reversed. And it is still a word of subjugation. Like the concept of being someone's bitch as opposed to being a bitch.

As a child when I heard white kids refer to a black person as a N, I got angry and confronted them about it. They would always insist that they were not referring to all black people. There were nice black people who they liked and there were others that behaved like N's and should be referred to in such a matter. Interestingly, Chuck D used the word cracker to refer to a particular white person in the same way. He said that here were some white people who behaved in a certain way and that was best described as being a cracker.

This is a race trap. Cracker and N are two words that are deeply steeped in racial identification and a racist history. If a person is ignorant, or rude, or despicable, or racist, or insulting these are decisions that he/she has made as an individual about what to think, what to say, and how to act. If a person is rude what matters more the color or the behavior?

Skin color you cannot change. Behavior and point of view you can. This is the hope of humanity.

Chuck D is member of Public Enemy

If you get the chance to hear him speak,
Take it.
If you are looking for someone to give a talk,
Invite him.

I love Charlie Rose

If I could have anyone's job I would want to do the Charlie Rose show. And do it exactly the way he does it.

Wynton Marsalis said on Charlie Rose Tuesday:
"The Sound is the foundation. The sound is your identity. Before the sound is the breath and the breath is like the thought and the sound is like the word. So when you purify the breath you purify the sound - for wind players 'cause we breathe. *inhales* *exhales* Sometimes I'll be teachin' class and I can tell that a kid - before they even play I just hear the breath
*shakes head smiling* *waves hand*
oh no no no the breath is not right. You purify the breath. You purify the thought and to get deeper in the sound and you can get more nuances and colors and shadings in the sound."

It's true for singers too. You think the note - hear it inside your head. Take a breath and you let the note out with the air. In that act you shape the sound in our case with the word.

He talked about jazz the meaning and the mission and the culture of jazz. And strangely, I realized while listening to him helped me to realize the value and meaning of a scientific education.

Chuck D is a member of Public Enemy, not Run DMC

Five hours of sleep two nights in a row - not good.

Damn insomnia.

Can't think, can't speak, can't function, can't sleep.
I am all brainstem.

christian rock - the lamb in wolf's clothing

*snort* I have problems.

categorical imperatives

Writing about music I can't find good comparisions or categories for the tunes because I am
radio-grown and don't have that hipster background. Can't tell hardcore from punk from crustcore from thrash. How do we communicate without a common language? Labels and more labels.

The Postal Service

"I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned."
-The Postal Service

It's a new wave/synthpop revival. That damn Ben Gibbard. I bought the album "Give Up" and it's entirely charming. It has a guileless, ingenuous quality. The bouyancy of Jimmy Tamborello's programming keeps things moving and expansive which without undercutting the sensitive guy lyrical content.

I grew up in the 80's. I am a sucker for this crap.

Check out Menthol. They do up the new wave revival dammy fine, kid!

Jobs jobs jobs

It's hard to know who to believe.

The economy is recovering. The nation has increased productivity. Job growth is slow.

How can we say that the economy is doing better when people are out of work and more and more people are declaring bankruptcy? Maybe our indicators are wrong.

There are jobs in India, jobs in China, jobs in Mexico, jobs in Iraq, jobs in Northern Ireland, jobs in Pakistan.

If you don't have a job you can get welfare benefits but for only a couple of years because you are supposed to be working.

There are undocumented people in this country illegally who have jobs. They are going to get to be here legally now. Maybe they will get benefits and be treated decently, get taxed like the rest of us. They come from places so poor or so oppressive that whatever they get, however they are treated, this is an great opportunity.

People hate their jobs but don't complain because they can't afford to lose them.

80% of all businesses in this country have fewer than 5 employees. Micro businesses employ more people than the big corporations. But the tax breaks and the legal breaks seems to go to the big corporations.

People do contract work and work part-time and don't have pension, retirement, savings, or health insurance.

You have to have insurance for you car in most states yet you maybe unable to insure your health the lack of which will probably make your life much harder.
hmm.
That might actually be a toss up.

Many people who declare bankruptcy do so because they or a loved one gets sick and the medical bills are too high and maybe their insurance doesn't cover enough of it, or they don't have insurance at all.

People get all excited about free trade. I have been promised cheap manufactured goods. I can buy a DVD player for $70 and ugly shoes on sale for $8.

It may bring opportunity to these other countries. I hope it does. Although it might be another fiasco where poor people suffer. Like Shell in Nigeria.

But the thing that no economist can seem to tell me is:
What are people who have lost their jobs supposed to do? What jobs exist for them?
People say vague things about how Biotechnology and Nanotechnology are going to turn this country around. Biotech jobs are already leaving this country or being automated. And frankly, those jobs were pretty specialized to begin with.

Economists insist that free trade must be allowed to continue and that things will work out somehow. They believe in the ingenuity of the American people. Vague blah blah bullshit.

This is all hearsay.


I think we need a dream, a big impossible research initiative like going to the moon. It doesn't have to be science but if it's science the discoveries might lead to new manufacturing applications and new industries.

People often say that we should not as a government spend money on crazy research discovery projects because there are people who are starving and suffering in this country. It's a nice sentiment but the truth is if we cared about suffering people, social workers would be paid more than any other human in this country. If we really cared about nurturing and investing in humanity, day care providers, teachers, and social workers would drive cadillacs and live in lavish homes. Lawyers and professional basketball players would live barely above the poverty line.

We need projects that capture the national imagination, that inspire people to strive for something great. Something beyond our everyday existence. And the money to back it up.

rocking out christian

I bought the Legally Blonde soundtrack (I was craving ear candy.) and was digging on a track called "One Girl Revolution" by superchic[k], they are a christian rock band.

Popular culture pulled a fast one on me. Used to be that everything in christian rock sounded different than regular radio fare, more wholesome, more ballad and showtune-y. Nowdays if you're scanning through radio stations and you hear a song for the very first time and you find yourself groovin on it, check the dial. You're probably bopping to the christian rock. *HAH*

Ghosts of Rwanda

Frontline did a program about the Genocide in Rwanda in 1994. In 100 days 800,000 people died. They were hacked to pieces with machetes and left to die in the streets. Men, women and children, civilians. The World, the UN, the US, did nothing. I did nothing. You did nothing.

Captain Mbaye Diagne did something. He was an unarmed UN military observer from Senegal who ignored orders to not intervene and smuggled many many people to safety.

The hero is not the one who kills. The hero is not the one who wins.
The hero is the one who will sacrifice for another human being.
The hero is the one who will risk dying to save another person.

Senegal should take great pride in the courage of their son.

for my own protection

I went to Best Buy Friday looking for the Distiller's album "Coral Fang." I had a hard time finding it because I was looking for the white black and red cover art with the hanging body with guts spilling out. Instead there were racks and racks of a different CD cover. It had cute animals on it giraffes and beavers and whatnot. Apparently the original artwork was not deemed appropriate for retailers like Best Buy and they changed it. I should have left it there, kicked over a display sign, and walked out of the store but the immediate lure of having the CD in my greedy hands was too much for me.

I feel dirty supporting the Disney-ification of the universe.

I saw Paul Kotheimer play at Aroma this evening. He's a very talented singer songwriter, funny, smart, literate, political, poetic, whimsical, and always very listenable. www.handmaderecords.com
It's hard to describe music that you've never heard. I just found this link. *pat self on back*

http://www.unknownhypertext.com/kotheimer.htm

Go listen. And then consider buying a CD or inviting him to come and play a show for you and your friends. If you do maybe he won't sell his guitar to make rent, and he will write more songs making for a more beautiful and heartfelt world.

Left-wing rant

Conservatives always say that the problem with the country today is that people don't take responsibility for their own actions. Welfare, abortion, crime, unemployment, debt, etc... These people are doing what they want and looking to the government to bail them out when things go south.

They do not say that corporations take responsibility for their actions. A corporation is an entity that holds accountablity in place of individuals that make decisions in a company or other organization. Why aren't conservatives calling for corporations to pay their taxes, or clean up the environment, or pay their union and non-union employees decently?

Why aren't conservatives calling for corporations to deal fairly with people here and in third world countries? If a company is going to turn huge profits by taking manufacturing and programming jobs overseas, shouldn't they give those countries more than subsistence salaries and money to corrupt government officials and military leaders? Shouldn't they help build roads and town halls and schools as well?

As conditions improve and the local population demands higher salaries these corporations often leave and take jobs and machines and means of productions back out with them to places where people starve and work for nothing. Those factories used to get "nationalized" and stayed where they were built. Now with NAFTA and the WTO, I'll bet that doesn't happen.

We have this idea that the sole responsibility of a corporation is to make money for it's investors and we allow them to justify any action they take with the idea that if they don't turn a maximal profit they will not survive.

I say these are evils of the world today but stories you hear these days from places like China are much like stories you would hear in the days of Carnagie and Pullman, stories of the industrial revolution. Only it is now on a global scale.

In those days people would turn to the ideology and mythology of Marxism to fight industrial exploitation. Perhaps today countries will couch this conflict in terms of nationalism and a culture war. Much like Islamic people in the Middle East, saying "we don't want to be middle class democratic Americans drinking your diet coke and shopping at the GAP, we want to be what we are and live by our own traditions."

Capitalism is the dominant ideology and culture. It is the ideology with the most money, and guns. If you don't play the game, the game will play you.

I think I have had too much caffeine today.