FS said something the other day that struck me.
She said that the thing about survivors is that they are always survivors. They never stop being survivors. They can not let go of the habits and patterns that helped them survive.
I ask myself the question that I cannot answer and I cannot ask another.
Is there a point where you stop surviving and start living?
Is there a point where you open the door to that mental prison and walk out into the rest of your life?
Is there a point at which you say "yes this happened to me and I survived and because I have survived I am now going to live."

the nature of want

I used to think (and still do) that the essential part of being alive is the wanting.
(Very non-Buddhist of me, I guess)

It seems a simple process - you want something. you go get it.
As with many things now I'm not so sure.

There's
What people tell me I want
What people want for me
What people want from me
What I used to want
What I think I want
What I want

And then there's what I want that I shouldn't have
what I won't admit to myself that I really want

Often I want things that are contradictory or mutually exclusive.

All this even before the things we do to get what we "want."

So much conflict in this world could be resolved by being clear about what you want
upfront and negotiating from there.

I used to think that the great tragedy of life is that people don't get what they want.
Now I think this is the tip of the iceberg of desire.