tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67061142024-03-08T11:52:27.541-06:00The PuddleJumperAn idiosyncratic and non sequitorial examination of the contents of one head.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-88040384497713220412008-12-30T10:33:00.003-06:002008-12-30T10:43:07.034-06:00He said that he always intended on living in NYC. <br />He said that everyone should spend at least one year of their 20's here. <br />Wise words. <br /><br />I would have come in my 20's too, had I known.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1156991456946600632006-08-30T21:30:00.000-05:002006-08-30T21:30:56.946-05:00I wrote this back in MarchAll this talk about heartbreak on a physical level has me thinking.<br /><br />When you meet someone and fall in love you part of that process is opening your heart and your life up to that person. It can at times be a tension, a process to make enough space for the both of you.<br />And if it ends there is not only heartbreak and pain and sadness, there is also this emptiness left behind.<br /><br />They say the hardest thing about divorce is that married couples tend to divide up jobs and knowledge. It's like you share a brain. And when you part company it's like half your brain has walked away from you. So the best way to ge through is to have other people around who can help you navigate <br />At this point you have choices<br /><br />To close back up.<br />To claim and inhabit that space yourself.<br />To keep it open for towards what the world has to offer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1156991297173223202006-08-30T21:26:00.000-05:002006-08-30T21:28:17.173-05:00On some days we mopeIn place of the pain<br />There is a terrible numbness.<br />I can't feel my extremities. <br /><br />But unlike exposure to extreme cold - right now<br /><br />I can not even feel the center of me.<br /><br />I know that this is a process with stages.<br />and that it takes time.<br />But I can't help but wonder that winter could arrive so early this year.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1127313813356641512005-09-21T09:23:00.000-05:002006-08-30T21:26:27.013-05:00je suis tres fatigueeJe ne comprend pas pourquoi tu es en colere de moi.<br />Souvent tu dis de moi que je ne pense rien et je suis un cochon et je suis un menteur etc.<br />Si j'ecris que tu dis que je suis une limace qui ne bouge jamais c'est la meme sens sous jacent - la meme chose, n'est pas?<br /><br />Tu n'aime pas ma voix forte, mon nez bruyant, ma grand appetite, ma rire enorme, mon velu corp, et ma tete indecis.<br /><br />Le pire c'etait que tu es en colere a cause de ton peur qu'il y a person qui croire que tu es grossier. Seulement ca. <br /><br />Si le grand public ne sais rein, tu s'en moque completement.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125417114888888442005-08-30T10:51:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:51:54.890-05:00desire, a fuel for livingThe heart needs an anchor to keep from drifting.<br />The soul needs hope to keep from sinking.<br />The mind needs a puzzle to challenge its thinking.<br />The girl needs companions for a night of drinking.<br /><br />There never enough time.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416626251349582005-08-30T10:43:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:43:46.253-05:00Squeeze blood from a stone. <br />why not?<br />This expression - used to describe an impossibility<br />no matter how hard I squeeze - the effort put forth<br />nothing comes out.<br /><br />Today I make truth from the tale.<br /><br />For behold!<br />After hours and hours of squeezing there is blood on my hands<br />and a very thin trickle pours off that stone onto the ground.<br />Yes, blood from a stone.<br />You know what they say: No pain, no gain.<br />my hands slick and raw from the effort<br /><br />And they said it couldn't be done...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416428212266892005-08-30T10:40:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:40:28.213-05:00"I'm no fucking buddhist, but this is enlightenment."<br />-BjorkUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416305545549542005-08-30T10:38:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:38:25.546-05:00It is rainy and I am blue. I wring my heart and rivers pour out.<br />Today it feels like it will not stop.<br />Somedays I am not up for much.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416257448656842005-08-30T10:37:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:37:37.446-05:00games we don't admit to playingi push you away to see if you will bounce back to me<br />to test the elasticity<br />of our ties<br />but you are clever,<br />you carry a knife<br />in case<br />you decide the force of my push should propel you awayUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416233942166952005-08-30T10:36:00.001-05:002005-08-30T10:37:13.943-05:00echoes from last autumna window opens and birds fly from the attic <br />swirling in the dusk <br />chasing invisible patterns to the sound of crickets<br />black against the greying skyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416174799169242005-08-30T10:36:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:36:14.800-05:00this turn of the season means nothing to me. <br />In my heart spring is a far distant echoUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416116421813952005-08-30T10:34:00.001-05:002005-08-30T10:35:16.423-05:00running the hamster wheel of procrastinationI do not want to but I have to <br />so I drag my feet and howl and scream I make a sandwich and call my friends watch TV do the laundry take a nap <br />kill time in all the worst ways imagineable<br /><br />until there is nothing but do it. <br /><br />And afterwards I think, hey, that wasn't so bad...<br />Lather rinse and repeat.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416073898678442005-08-30T10:34:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:34:33.900-05:00what Buffy goes throughLife is lonely even when someone loves you, when you have someone to love, when you are jostled in a crowd, when you have a community, friends, and family.<br /><br />Because in your head it's only you.<br />And no one else knows what that's like.<br /><br />We approximate shared experience, drawing pictures on napkins of the essentials but each of us exists in the details. The particularity and the specific minutiae of our secret codes, our individual selves.<br /><br />It is the times when you are alone and the only one. The only one going through it, the only one who can do it - that are the shape of your destiny.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125416028488476402005-08-30T10:33:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:33:48.490-05:00the girl with a bad attitudeI am clawing at the walls of the glass jar with the screwcap with the holes punched out on top.<br /><br />I am mocking myself in a mirrors curved in the shape of my fears.<br /><br />And now, I am sleepy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125415929138411062005-08-30T10:32:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:32:09.140-05:00the waitingif there is nothing <br />but the waiting<br /><br />how do you pass the time? <br /><br />do you<br />relive the past - dwell on your sorrow<br />fall back on routine <br />seek distraction - intoxication<br />fleeting fancy - passing pleasure<br />do you pray? <br /><br />your boat, <br />drifting off course, <br />overcast nights on uncharted water,<br />unfathomable depths below.<br /><br />be comforted by the immutable fact<br />that the ocean has a floor<br />and its creatures know<br />no better than you <br />their place in this worldUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125415794404710692005-08-30T10:29:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:29:54.406-05:00the motionsthere are moments that I forget myself<br />and I breathe<br />then I remember <br />and stopUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125415695469323932005-08-30T10:27:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:28:15.470-05:00The MallI see it, I want it<br />I buy it, <br />The instant gratification<br />irresistable<br /><br />No one gets everything they want in life<br />but at the mall I sign my name, surrender my time<br />For things to hold the place of what is most desired<br /><br />I take it home, set it down<br />with the rest of my<br />dust collecting collection<br /><br />And feel emptyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125415513443667742005-08-30T10:24:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:25:13.443-05:00Dizzy Ditty in the key of Ddays drifting down delay<br />they devolve enough today<br /><br />today, today<br />for me to say:<br /><br />Darlin', Darlin',<br />Darlin' its delightful<br />dealing with the dreamy things you do<br /><br />ooh hoo,<br /><br />don't you doubt<br />and don't despair<br /><br />there's adoration for you <br />everywhere.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125415459394067752005-08-30T10:23:00.001-05:002005-08-30T10:24:19.396-05:00long ago and far awaythe memory of you<br />next to me on the cliff above the Pacific<br />so cold and misty<br />looking down at the swelling, swirling wet<br />crashing on rocks<br /><br />I thought <br />about the future and change<br />about dancing with you to the tin tune of the grinder's organ<br />not caring who was watching or that I did not know the steps<br /><br />I thought<br />if I jumped I would end first, before our love<br />I would end embraced in this moment where <br />you loved me and I loved you<br />before everything changed.<br /><br />You asked what I was thinking<br />I smiled.<br />I shook my head and took your hand<br />and we walked down to get soup and hot coffee<br /><br />and slowly, ever so slowly <br />after that day<br />everything changedUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1125415407684154552005-08-30T10:23:00.000-05:002005-08-30T10:23:27.690-05:00everyone needs a hobbyI throw things to see them break<br />I throw things to hear the sound they make<br />I throw things to watch people duck<br />I throw things to transfer energy<br />I throw things to get them away from me<br />I throw things to get attention<br />I throw things to watch them splat<br />I throw things to have them thrown back<br />I throw things but I can't catch<br />I throw things<br /><br />but you're not into that<br />you don't want to throw things<br /><br />okay. <br />you don't throw<br />that's good to knowUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1114280090872310102005-04-23T13:09:00.000-05:002005-06-16T17:03:52.886-05:00FS said something the other day that struck me. <br />She said that the thing about survivors is that they are always survivors. They never stop being survivors. They can not let go of the habits and patterns that helped them survive.<br />I ask myself the question that I cannot answer and I cannot ask another.<br />Is there a point where you stop surviving and start living?<br />Is there a point where you open the door to that mental prison and walk out into the rest of your life?<br />Is there a point at which you say "yes this happened to me and I survived and because I have survived I am now going to live."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1114010148126584282005-04-20T10:09:00.000-05:002005-04-20T10:15:48.126-05:00the nature of wantI used to think (and still do) that the essential part of being alive is the wanting.<br />(Very non-Buddhist of me, I guess)<br /><br />It seems a simple process - you want something. you go get it.<br />As with many things now I'm not so sure.<br /><br />There's <br />What people tell me I want<br />What people want for me<br />What people want from me<br />What I used to want<br />What I think I want<br />What I want<br /><br />And then there's what I want that I shouldn't have<br />what I won't admit to myself that I really want<br /><br />Often I want things that are contradictory or mutually exclusive.<br /><br />All this even before the things we do to get what we "want." <br /><br />So much conflict in this world could be resolved by being clear about what you want<br />upfront and negotiating from there.<br /><br />I used to think that the great tragedy of life is that people don't get what they want.<br />Now I think this is the tip of the iceberg of desire.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1111965352065478532005-03-27T17:04:00.000-06:002005-03-27T17:15:52.066-06:00one compromise too manyi am not myself today<br />i have forgotten the words to that song<br /><br />feet bound into small and curious shapes, mincing cautious steps<br />hands tied in the gesture of social niceties<br />and everything tied to the hem of my dress<br />dragging and pulling and weighing<br /><br />three years ago i went back to touch base<br />it was the juxtaposition of who i am and who i was<br />who i thought i would continue to be.<br /><br />i know how i got here but i don't want to be hereUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1111692251443308392005-03-24T13:12:00.000-06:002005-03-24T13:24:11.443-06:00what grad school is forHe said the trick is that you have to set a really big goal and figure out how to cut it into smaller, manageable tasks.<br />Why did no one tell me this? I have learned nothing of the kind. <br />It is obvious. But I am blind. <br />It is clear that I understand nothing. <br />And I have spent these precious years of my life, my youth over-reacting to my own fears my insecurities my inadequacies my inability to understand my inability to put my finger on the very problem. <br />years drowning<br />years in pain <br />years lost<br />they brought out the big fancy themes with flash and sound<br />when what I needed, what I really need, what I am needing is the smallest of truths.<br />and a way to develop the most elementary habitUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6706114.post-1111006569191341882005-03-16T14:44:00.000-06:002005-03-16T14:56:09.196-06:00true confessions of an old feministDespite everything I tell myself to the contrary<br />perhaps the greatest harm done to me <br />was a simple Cinderella story<br /><br />Because even now<br />many hearts/twenty hearts later<br />and dragons slain by my own hand<br />as I travel the pass<br />from princess to crone<br /><br />there are moments of distress<br />where I peek over my shoulder<br />and silently wonder<br />if he's going to ride up<br />on his horse and carry me away.<br /><br />for <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/juvenilia_speak/"> juvenilia_speak </a> on marrying rich.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0