one compromise too many

i am not myself today
i have forgotten the words to that song

feet bound into small and curious shapes, mincing cautious steps
hands tied in the gesture of social niceties
and everything tied to the hem of my dress
dragging and pulling and weighing

three years ago i went back to touch base
it was the juxtaposition of who i am and who i was
who i thought i would continue to be.

i know how i got here but i don't want to be here

what grad school is for

He said the trick is that you have to set a really big goal and figure out how to cut it into smaller, manageable tasks.
Why did no one tell me this? I have learned nothing of the kind.
It is obvious. But I am blind.
It is clear that I understand nothing.
And I have spent these precious years of my life, my youth over-reacting to my own fears my insecurities my inadequacies my inability to understand my inability to put my finger on the very problem.
years drowning
years in pain
years lost
they brought out the big fancy themes with flash and sound
when what I needed, what I really need, what I am needing is the smallest of truths.
and a way to develop the most elementary habit

true confessions of an old feminist

Despite everything I tell myself to the contrary
perhaps the greatest harm done to me
was a simple Cinderella story

Because even now
many hearts/twenty hearts later
and dragons slain by my own hand
as I travel the pass
from princess to crone

there are moments of distress
where I peek over my shoulder
and silently wonder
if he's going to ride up
on his horse and carry me away.

for juvenilia_speak on marrying rich.

congratulations

don't pretend that nothing happened
don't say your sorry
don't give me a hug
don't tell me how you feel
don't tell me what you think
don't offer me support
don't check to see if I'm okay
don't talk to me
don't take me to coffee
don't invite me to parties

if you must do something just smile and say hi

and step away from me

far away

promises to myself that I will not keep

The day before I leave I will burn my worldly possessions
and walk into the future naked

I will admit to what my heart desires

I will allow allow myself to want what I want

and I will ask

no harm in asking