so conflict averse

I sit here and loudly proclaim myself to be a road block on the path to consensus. I feel nauseous knowing that I do not think quickly enough. I do not argue persuasively enough. I am not strong enough. And that at the third meeting there are people who will discredit me, cut me to shreds, make me cry in public, and then make a procedural path around me. They will argue rings around me. They already are arguing rings around me, they are already perparing a procedural path around me.

Confrontation, Conflict, Speaking up, Weighing in on the issue, acting on what you believe

These things are so hard to do. Very scary. Almost impossible.

No one wants to be hated. No one wants to rock the boat. No one wants to be shunned.
The fear freezes me up. Being there in that room I freeze up.

And I think about that whole quote about not speaking up when they came for the Jews and the Gays and the Communists and how there was no one left when they came for the person who stood by.

What fights are worth fighting? Acts of genocide vs. actual genocide. Do small evil acts snowball into big ones? Or are they manageable and forgettable?

I ask myself: in Germany, if people had spoken out right at the start would they have all been crushed and killed or would they have stemmed the tide of darkness? The people who spoke up in Germany were shot or sent to camps. Everyone else became afraid to talk. And great evil happened. What if people kept talking? Until everyone knew someone who had been shot. Until everyone had lost someone they loved. Would they have gotten angry enough to speak up, to act, to pick up a weapon and stop it? Could they have turned the tide? Or was great evil inevitable?

No one knows what to do and no one knows what to say. Their hands are tied and they have better things to do. I am waiting for a miracle. I am waiting for someone to speak up. Someone stronger than me. This miracle will not happen. They have bigger fish to fry. So if I cannot have that miracle. I will ask for a different one. For strength, presence of mind, and great persuasive power. Give me the greater persuasive power and greater political accumen.